How You Can Develop A Secure Attachment Style
This is for you if you’re likely an anxiously-attached girlie desperately wanting to become a secure girlie!
I’m really excited to continue this attachment style series with you by now talking about the secure attachment style!
In other words: God’s favorite. I’m KIDDING.
Although how nice would it be to not have to do this level of inner work and just have relationship be simple from the get-go, amiright?
No attachment style is inherently bad or good, just different ways to respond in relationships.
The more we know about our own and our partner’s, the better chances we have at feeling fulfilled and content in our relationships.
If you haven’t heard my blog on having an anxious attachment style, read it here. Or if you’re curious if your ex likely has an avoidant attachment style, read this.
And right now, you’re here because you want to finally have a secure relationship, which ultimately includes learning how to become a secure girlie. Yay!
As a conscious breakup coach, I help my clients go from feeling anxious in love to secure, just like I did. I’m going to be sharing my perspective on the matter, as someone who is an empowered anxiously-attached woman, but feeling more secure than ever in my marriage.
(Which is crazy because if you knew my dating history then you’d never believe it was possible for me!)
Alas, it happened, and I’m here to share my story so it can be your story!
So first, what does it mean to have a secure attachment style? How are they in relationships?
They don’t play “games” in the relationships; they’re direct, say what they mean and have open communication
They actually want to support, meet and learn about their partners’ needs
They are flexible with how a relationship should look, so they honour if you need space or closeness
They’re comfortable with closeness and intimacy
They have a healthy approach to conflict and welcome differences and repair
They don’t chase (anxious) or avoid (avoidant), they stay
They have a healthy amount of self-love and self-worth
Gosh, that sounds incredible, doesn’t it? You might think you relate to a few of the above, but also feel a sense of dread knowing that you’ve dated some people in the past who truly do not have this.
These folks right here had caregivers who were consistent, stable and reliable. They learned that love can be trusted and available when needed.
And here’s the thing: attachment styles are a spectrum, and no 2 people are alike.
For example, I’d say my husband is mostly secure, with a little anxious attachment tendencies.
I’m like 98% anxiously attached.
See…spectrum.
It’s important to know where you fall on the spectrum.
So you can meet your own needs, share them openly, and come together to support each others’.
So how do you become secure in love?
1.Allow yourself to be vulnerable in relationships
I spent so much time pretending (to myself and others) that I was calm as a cucumber and confident when it came to dating, but I really wasn’t. I’d spiral HARD when men would pull away, become so preoccupied by what he was thinking that I’d ruin weekend trips with my friends (yes, they put up with me constantly being somewhere other than the beautiful paradise we were in.)
As they say: I was crashing out. And I never knew how to put a label to it.
Just before I met my husband and realized that I had wounding, it was scary to reveal that, but I needed to share it, and that’s when I started to begin healing.
I made space for my big fears around abandonment.
And I was received.
That’s healing in and of itself. A feeling I never really knew before. And it’s the ultimate “test” to see if someone actually wants to support you the way you need it.
They don’t run when you need it most.
They don’t just say one thing and do another. They show up for you, stay and receive you.
2.Remember it takes time
I do feel attachment theory changed my life overnight, because I could start applying it to my dating life immediately.
But becoming secure is a slow process. You’ve been wired this way your entire life, so the process to rewire your nervous system for secure love isn’t immediate.
But the more you practice, stay open and vulnerable, the more you’ll teach yourself that it’s safe to be vulnerable and have needs.
Through that, you’ll naturally attract people who want to stay.
But also, working on self-soothing is key. Learning to breathe through it all, and teach yourself safety.
I made a 21-day meditation journey if you’re going through a breakup and need support.
3.Vow to stop dating people with avoidant attachment styles
Again, nothing good or bad about people with avoidant attachment styles, but you need to own what works for you in a relationship.
If not, you’ll abandon yourself, which is the ultimate betrayal, and something anxiously-attached girlies do when they date people with avoidant attachment styles. For those of us with anxious attachment style, we learned unconsciously that we need to be abandoned to be loved (put others’ needs ahead of ours, earn and prove love), which keeps us stuck not feeling seen or heard in relationships with hot and cold partners (avoidant).
We quite literally get stuck in this awful limbo that ruins every area of our lives because this experience is so jarring.
And the answer is to trust what you’re seeing within someone you’re dating, and say no.
4.Work on your self-worth
I didn’t realize before doing the work I now teach that my self-worth was quite low. It’s a byproduct of having an anxious attachment style.
I really struggled to admit that because I looked confident on the outside and it was easy to date. Which, as we know now, doesn’t mean anything about the attachment style you have.
It was hard to admit it, but thankfully I got there so I had a baseline to start from.
You can rewire your brain to know you deserve the kind of love you want and need. That you’re not too much for the right person. That you can be fully received in love.
Affirmations really do help.
Reading blogs like this help.
Hearing stories from other people who were insecure and actively worked on it to now having a healthy relationship you want helps A TON.
Train your brain to see it’s possible.
It’s such a gift to yourself.
And, most of all, embrace and feel what you need to feel as someone with anxious attachment style. Mourn that part of you.
So you can make space for a new way of seeing yourself.
Take actions that support your new high self-worth identity. I talk about this a lot in my Aligned No Contact Method because the more you step into that new version of yourself, the easier it gets to say no to people who aren’t right for you.
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This really is the tip of the iceberg, so if you want to work one-on-one or have me any questions you might have along your journey to secure attachment, book a session with me or voice me for guidance here.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A conscious breakup coach, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a session or voice note me here.