Are You An Anxiously-Attached Girlie?

Oct 23

This is for you if you’re a relationship-girlie, always wanting to find the love you deserve

I’m really excited to continue this attachment style series with you by now talking about the anxious attachment style!

Yay! We get to talk all about * me * today. (Giggles.)

Yes, I am very keen on talking about the anxious attachment style because even though it initially feels soooo defeating to admit that you have anxious attachment tendencies, it’s actually incredibly empowering to know your starting point.

Because of the work I teach as a conscious breakup coach, which is a mix of attachment science, spiritual work and self-worth healing, I was able to stop dating avoidant men and literally meet my husband 5 minutes later who, over time, helped me become secure and I developed that sense of security within myself.

And it’s 100% possible for you, too.

So what exactly does someone with an anxious attachment style look like?

She is a little relationship-obsessed compared to others in her life. She’s either always dating, jumping from one relationship to the next, always believing they could be The One really quickly.
But she also dates people who pull away, although she isn’t sure why because she is a CATCH
Her friends often tell her she comes across as needy, or that she needs to take break from dating, but she is able to get back on the horse (dating) pretty quickly somehow!
She ditches plans to hang out with her new guy, and is always glued to her phone wondering when he’s going to text next
She goes all in with relationships right from the get-go
She seems really confident at first, but after a few dates or weeks, something always seems to shift. She gets anxious and isn’t sure the person she’s dating is all-in like they really made it seem initially
She often does the confrontational breakup because living in between them not texting for days on end and wondering if you’re still together is way too pain

Guess what? I’m not going to tell you to change, be different, or stop wanting a relationship.

That’s not my style.

I want you to own that this is where you are, or at the very least, own the points above that resonate.

It simply means:

You crave intimacy and closeness (yay!), but maybe so much so that you end up sending out signals to the people you date that make them pull away (boo.)

But that’s because they have an avoidant attachment style, which you can read all about here.

Girlies with anxious attachment styles tend to find themselves in the anxious-avoidant trap, where their need for closeness (emotional and physical) actually triggers their avoidant partner’s fear of intimacy and need for independence.

This perpetuates the fear of abandonment someone with anxious attachment style has, that they often don’t realize is happening.

If she doesn’t know about attachment styles, she’ll lean in when she’s feeling he’s leaning out. She’ll become very preoccupied to try to fix what’s happening, which is an activating strategy that those with anxious attachment style have as a way to get closer.

She really doesn’t want to lose the relationship, but she simultaneously feels unsafe in the relationship. Because that’s all she knows. She’s wired this way because of her childhood caregiving patterns. She might have a parent who has an avoidant or anxious attachment style themselves. Love and attention was very inconsistent, sometimes available, sometimes not.

My mother was very anxiously-attached and my father is a classic avoidant. I craved my mother’s love, but she was either always working, going out, spending time with friends or with her family. I never knew when I’d get to spend time with her, or for how long.

That showed up so much in my relationships even into my relationship with my husband. I had to do the inner work to see these childhood patterns so I could both heal them and give them space to be seen and felt so they didn’t rule my relationship experience.

And I knew I was in a healthy and secure relationship because my now-husband actually honoured and respected my healing journey. He was curious, but didn’t always understand how I felt. But he supported it and gave me space to talk through it and create moments to make me feel safe. (Like getting the goodbye text or getting the text saying when they’ll be home.)

And that’s the magic of knowing your attachment style as someone with anxious attachment because you can tell that you’re dating someone who respects your wounds and wants to support you through it.

You don’t have to pretend you’re calm as a cucumber anymore, like I always did to disguise the fact that I didn’t think anyone could love and accept me for me if I showed up vulnerably.

I let it be part of me, which was an incredible act of self-love, and I attracted my husband into my life from that place.

Having an anxious attachment style doesn’t make you needy—you only felt needy because you were in a relationship with someone who couldn’t/didn’t know how to meet your needs.

I have never felt needy in my marriage because my husband knows that supporting my needs is part of a healthy relationship, but that I also do my own inner work alongside that. The stuff I get to do with my clients.

But now you’re wondering, what do you do with this knowledge now?

Ask yourself these questions if you’re resonating with everything I’ve shared:

Let your needs to seen and OWNED. You’re never going to have a healthy relationship by pretending you don’t have needs and trying to be the “perfect” partner. Relationships thrive off both parties sharing what they want and need
Stop dating people with avoidant attachment styles. They are too afraid of emotional closeness and literally work to not meet your needs
Keep showing up and being vulnerable. It’s scary to reveal your wounds, but it’s the path forward if you want to love yourself and have someone love you fully. I’d rather be rejected for who I am because that’s one step closer to meet the right person than trying to make it work with someone who is committed (unconsciously) to not being close to me.

I really hope this blog was illuminating for you.

Attachment theory is powerful.

Nancy

If you’re looking for clarity around your breakup, book a session with me or voice me for guidance here.

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