Did Your Ex Have An Avoidant Attachment Style?

Oct 23

This is for you if you’re constantly dating men who pull away.

I’m really excited to continue this attachment style series with you by now talking about the avoidant attachment style!

Yay! We get to talk all about my entire roster of men I dated before my husband. (Giggles.)

If you’re curious as to whether or not you’ve got an anxious attachment style, check out this article in my series.

Because of the work I teach as a conscious breakup coach, which is a mix of attachment science, spiritual work and self-worth healing, I was able to stop dating avoidant men and literally meet my husband 5 minutes later who, over time, helped me become secure and I developed that sense of security within myself.

And it’s 100% possible for you, too.

But first, you need to figure out if wha’t happening in your dating and relationship world is because you keep dating people with avoidant attachment styles.

And yes, it is VERY liberating to finally say “OMG, so this is what’s happen happening to me!”

Even just the word avoidant…you probably have a sense of if they are.

Hence why you clicked and now are so ready to devour this blog.

Let’s jump in!

If he was avoidant:

He seemed committed, all-in and secure in the beginning (like very beginning, talking days or first 2 weeks and then everything changed once you showed a genuine desire to be with him)
He slow faded himself out, instead of being direct about his feelings
He wasn’t a strong communicator, at all. But it’s strange because in the beginning it seemed like he was going to be since we talked a lot about things we wanted and needed.
But when you then communicated what you needed (because he wasn’t giving it to you) he pulled away
He said he would make time with his busy schedule, then suddenly, almost out of nowhere, said he was too busy for a relationship
It left you in an extreme state of rumination, fear and constant worry that you did something to make this happen. And you felt like you needed to fix it.
So you leaned in harder, but they borderline ghosted you
But then was found on the dating apps again, no self-reflection as far as you can tell from his relationship with you.

Omg…YES I just called out your ex or the person * about * to be your ex.

Here’s the thing: you crave intimacy and closeness (yay!), but maybe so much so that you end up sending out signals to the people you date that make them pull away (boo.)

Girlies with anxious attachment styles tend to find themselves in the anxious-avoidant trap, where their need for closeness (emotional and physical) actually triggers their avoidant partner’s fear of intimacy and need for independence.

This perpetuates the fear of abandonment someone with anxious attachment style has, that they often don’t realize is happening.

I will never forget the time I dated someone a few months before I met my husband where he had said BIG THINGS that made me believe he was all in, much like I’m sure you’ve experienced.

Things like “I always planned to move to [out of state], but because I met you, I’m going to stay here.”

(Uhm, if that doesn’t scream ALL IN I don’t know what does.)

But he said all these things before I actually showed him all my cards.

I didn’t know I was anxiously attached at the time. I was afraid to show my true self, who played the part of being confident.

Once I started showing a commitment to him, my energy interacted with his and, well—he started to pull away.

But…what I realize, and I hope you realize, is that that’s not about you. It’s both healthy AND necessary to show your commitment and be open and vulnerable to your partner.

…But only when you’re with someone who values that and is self-aware and isn’t afraid of commitment and closeness.

Someone with avoidant attachment:

Feels pressured in relationships (like when you share your basic needs)
Values their independence and doesn’t expect to update you on their whereabouts because that feels like control
Fear intimacy and closeness
Struggles to actually know how they feel in situations
Struggles with communication and conflict
Might be more emotionally detached when it comes to sex

If you want to say committed to someone with an avoidant attachment style or want to stop dating someone with one, it’s important to know what you’re dealing with so you can decide what you need most.

And you might think “why would you date someone with these qualities?” and let me tell you that many people with secure attachments are so flexible in their view on relationships and individual needs and differences that the above isn’t intimidating or scary to them.

But for me, as an empowered anxiously-attached girlie, it scares me and I just knew I had to stop the madness (aka stop dating people who made me spiral out of control to the point I couldn’t even concentrate at work.)

Everyone has different needs in relationships, which is why you need to know what you need, which might be to simply no longer date people with a fear of intimacy.

Yay!

I really hope this blog was illuminating for you.

Attachment theory is powerful.

Nancy

If you’re looking for clarity around your breakup, book a session with me or voice me for guidance here.

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