Understanding The Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment Style
To all of you who have someone in your life where you feel they both hurt you, but also want to be close to you.
By now, you may have heard of the 3 main attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. If not, go check them out here.
But there’s actually another type of attachment style on the block: disorganized.
Aka, fearful-avoidant.
This is where she are a blend of anxious and avoidant, meaning she is both preoccupied (in her head, constantly thinking about the relationship) but also avoidant (fears intimacy).
This can create a lot of confusion if you’re someone who has this kind of parent or partner because you never quite know who you’re going to get.
If you have someone in your life like this, you might constantly wonder “do you want to connect with me today? Or do you want to create distance that you have no idea you’re creating?”
If you’re new here, I’m a conscious breakup coach who mixes attachment theory with spiritual work and self-worth healing. I help you understand your patterns, trust your intuition, and actually find and keep a conscious relationship, just like I did.
I love to educate on attachment science because for me, it serves as a framework to create a sense of certainty around what you’re experiencing in your relationship, particularly if you are someone who is often drawn to “potential” and hopes things will improve, but often don’t see that happening, but don’t know how to let go.
And it’s the reason I was able to stop my avoidant-attracting dating pattern and find a healthy and conscious relationship who is now my husband!
But make no mistake, I teach to empower and bring light to this element of how we love. But I take a very compassionate, understanding approach to it. This is not to villainize any attachment style.
So back to the disorganized attachment.
The best way I can put it is by their attachment style statement, which I use to help you paint a picture so you can easily identify this person in your life and have the much-needed lightbulb moment in your healing journey.
If I had a disorganized attachment style, this is what I would tell you about myself and how I love:
I tell you I want to have a connection, but then when you really need me, I am no where to be found. You’ll have moments where we can have a small moment of connection, but then in the next moment I might make a joke about that exact moment of connection, which often shatters what felt like a meaningful moment.
I do truly want connection, but I feel scared of it too. I think I’m emotionally attuned to you but I’m not because I was never given that as a child. I don’t quite understand you, although I want to. I am good with practical needs, like if you’re sick then I can offer you soup. That is straight forward for me. But if you need me emotionally, I freeze inside because I feel flooded without even knowing it. I might even minimize or deflect because emotions are confusing to me.
The person who was supposed to care for me growing up showed me both love but they also hurt me deeply. I am confused by love because of this. I want to understand myself, but I have trauma that stops me. I am aware that I have trauma to an extent, but nobody helped or saved me. I saved myself so instead of offering compassion, I often see you as more fragile than me as a way to protect myself because I had no way to process my own childhood trauma.
I am inconsistent in love. You won’t know which version of me I’ll be when you see me. I don’t realize I’m doing that. But I am doing my best to support you. I just don’t quite know how to.
I know inside of myself that I love you, but I am liable to insult you, talk poorly about you to others, but it’s more because I’m processing things externally. I don’t realize I’m actually doing this or the implications (disconnection), I just feel awkward and this is how I respond.
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How did it feel reading this? Drop a comment below to let me know.
But now you’re wondering, what do you do with this knowledge if you know someone in your life like this?
Ask yourself these questions:
Did you find this empowering to understand them better, or empowering realize this unconscious dynamic they have just doesnt work for you and your needs in the relationship.
Does this specific person feel like they have the ability to listen to your requests and make changes?
What boundaries would you make now that you know how they are in a relationship?
Would you ask for less from them? Or more of something they can offer?
Can you accept their confusion in love and be happy?
Where can you find a middle ground?
If you’re looking for clarity around your breakup, book a session with me or voice me for guidance here.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A conscious breakup coach, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a session or voice note me here.