The 3 Magnetic Steps to Finally Get Over Your Ex (According to a Breakup Coach)
This one’s for you if you are finally ready to finally stop pining over your ex.
I’m really excited to write this blog for you today. As a conscious breakup coach who’s been in the relationship industry for over 10 years now, I’m sharing the 3 powerful and magnetic steps you can take TODAY to stop pining, and start aligning yourself to the version of you who is ready for a healthy and conscious relationship.
You may want to even grab your journal and write down some of the things I share as I’ll provide some writing prompts for you to dive deeper.
Grab a coffee and let’s get to it.
1.What you need to heal lies in your self-talk
Let me ask you: what are you telling yourself in those moments you feel sadness, anger, or any kind of pain?
“They were the best thing to ever happen to me”
“I’ll never find someone better”
“I’m alone. I have nothing to do now that they’re gone.”
There—that is your roadmap to healing.
Here’s the thing: your self-talk contains all the limiting beliefs that keep you clinging to this person who is no longer your partner.
The reality is that you actually are good without them. You were you before them, and you’re you without them.
You just don’t see it yet because you have some codependent tendencies—an identity you have that keeps you stuck thinking you are “complete” only with them.
All of this is otherwise pretty subconscious, but accessible and ready to be revealed and changed now that you’re being guided to see this.
But you’ve got to let yourself go there. And that’s the other thing too—I struggled to admit I had low self-confidence and that kept me even more stuck.
It felt embarrassing, a little shameful, but I was determined to one day be in a healthy and conscious relationship so I knew I needed to stop normalizing that I felt that bad because it’s “normal” to think that way after a breakup.
It’s normal, yes, but it’s not something that needs to go on forever.
If you are newer to my work, I talk a lot about attachment styles (the pre-determined way we respond in relationships and also our breakups) because it shows us that our abandonment wounds from our early caregivers actually dictate how we are moving through our relationships and what we believe during our breakups.
If you’re anxiously-attached, you have an unconscious fear of abandonment, so you’ll often ruminate, try to get back together for the millionth time, doubt and blame yourself, struggle with low self-worth, and might wrestle between missing your ex and trying to find a new relationship with someone who deserves you and fall into that cycle repeatedly. But you have a superpower here; your superpower is that you believe in doing inner work (hence why you are here reading this) and you can develop a secure attachment from this place (keep reading—I’ll tell you more on this).
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you probably avoid feeling your feelings unconsciously, so you try not to think about it, don’t reach out to your ex and distract yourself with work to pass the time. It’s normal to move from relationship to relationship with less “thinking” or self-examination. It’s hard to actually know what you’re feeling. You might have found yourself in love with this kind of partner if you’re here (again, hello!) Many times anxiously-attached people date avoidantly-attached partners as that is a very common dating pattern. (I’m super guilty of this but broke the cycle with what I’m sharing with you today so keep reading.)
And if you’ve got a secure attachment style, you have a healthy level of self-love/self-esteem/self-worth, so when you’re going through a breakup, you understand it wasn’t meant to be, you know you tried your best, you don’t dwell much and you trust that the right relationship will happen in time.
Obviously, we’d all love to have a secure attachment style, but I call BS on the stat that 58% of adults have secure attachment.
I believe we all have some kind of wounding that needs our attention. In fact, it’s quite easy to pretend you’re confident on the outside, as I mentioned above using my own experience.
But you always know the answer when you look deep down inside yourself. And the only person who really needs to know is you.
It does take vulnerability, courage and inner strength to want to see your self-talk. Be gentle with yourself. I also help you with this through 1:1 work.
2.You need to rewire your thinking
So now that we’ve gotten curious and identified the self-talk that’s been running in the background of your mind, it’s time to actually rewire your thinking.
Yes, this is possible, and I’m an amazing testament to this work.
Having low-a*s self-esteem before doing this work, I can tell you I am the most secure and confident I’ve ever felt in my relationship and it’s because of what I’m sharing in this point.
Even if you don’t believe it right now, creating a new inner narrative that aligns with feeling secure (both in and out of a relationship) is absolutely possible.
Here’s what you’ll do: you need to take all your self-talk from step #1 and create new affirmations/statements that feel healing and good to you.
For example, if your self-talk says:
“I’ll never find someone better than them” you can turn that into:
“Someone more aligned for me is already on their way to me.”
Doesn’t that feel good? It feels almost like you can sit back in your chair a little.
How about replacing this narrative “I lost the best thing I ever had”
What you might change that to is “I let go of the toxicity that was keeping me down and I’m proud of myself for that.”
Ahh. So expansive.
You’re just going to to keep doing this until all of your self-talk has new statements that align with a secure version of you.
You’re just making statements that tell you the truth about the situation so your old, negative self-talk doesn’t keep running the show.
Your old self-talk is just a neural pathway firing in your brain.
Each time you repeat a thought (“I lost the best thing I ever had,” “I’m not enough,” “They were my only chance at love”), that pathway strengthens, almost like a trail being walked over and over until it becomes the default route.
That’s what neuroscientists call neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to change, adapt, and form new connections throughout life.
So when you change your narrative, you strengthen and rewire a new neural pathway.
It works, and it is the pathway (no pun intended) to developing a secure attachment style during a breakup.
You are rebuilding your self-esteem and actually loosening the grip you have to your ex who, as you well know, is not the right person for you (even if you’re wavering between deciding that right now, and that’s why I offer my clarity sessions).
If you don’t investigate your self-talk and therefore don’t try to rewire your brain to become more secure, you will repeat patterns.
You will date people who seem different at first but the outcome is always the same.
They slow fade you out.
They say they can’t commit, or are suddenly too busy at work.
You will even date people who are different from each other, but the outcome is the same because you’re funnelling your relationship experience through the same dating pattern in your mind and believing you will be abandoned and therefore actually make it happen.
Did you catch that?
Even if you date people who are different from each other, you could still create the same outcome (they leave you) because you show up in the relationship the same because you have the same subconscious narrative in your head guiding the ship.
So this is to say that if you don’t investigate your dating patterns, you’ll likely be doomed to repeat them.
I say that not to scare you, but to empower you. There is a roadmap, and this is it.
This is for all my anxiously-attached girlies like me who want a path forward!
On the other side of doing this work is a more confident and secure version of you who will land the healthiest relationship you’ve ever had.
You can see I’m very passionate about this work, and for good reason. We all deserve to have the healthiest, most expansive relationship and it starts here.
4.Imagine what healthy feels like, and keep your focus there.
I believe and have seen the power of holding intention—manifesting if you will (and it’s why I created my Manifest Your Dream Partner 10-Day Course where you manifest AND do the inner work) because if you don’t have a vision for what you want for yourself, then you won’t be able to align your energy there.
It’s as simple as, if you want to start doing yoga daily, if you don’t actually hold the intention to do yoga then how will you actually get yourself on your mat?
You need to consciously align yourself to what you want, because it will help you say no to things that do not align with you, as much as it will make it clear when you should say yes.
For example, if you’re anxiously-attached, you’ll often say yes to seeing your ex even if they’ve proven themselves to not be a good fit for you. (Total call-out, I know. Trust me, I’ve been there!)
You’ll “give it another shot” even when you know it’s not meant to be but your (low) self esteem (subconsciously) says you won’t find someone better, and you’ll just go see them again and relive the disappointment after 48 hours.
This is why we investigate our self-talk (step 1), rewire our self-talk (Step 2) and now re-align to what we want (step 3), which is a healthy and conscious relationship.
You actually need to hold the vision, like your future relationship depends on it.
Because it DOES.
The more you keep staying the course, the more you’ll fill your self-worth cup and magnetize yourself to the right person.
This is also why I made the Align No Contact Method because it’s a program to help you stay the course, feel confident doing it and allow meaningful space from your ex in a way that feels powerful and natural for you.
Everything changed for me when I started to only take action that was aligned with the new version of me who saw herself in a healthy relationship.
You need to figure out what you need to say no to in order to really know what to say yes to.
This will stop your backsliding, unhealthy dating-pattern repetition, and create an actual new path for your life.
Your energy is EVERYTHING. Treat it like a scarce resource.
When you don’t give your energy to your ex and give it back to yourself with a focus on your future self, you literally do different things.
And it comes out of nowhere.
For example, you might be there sulking after work, about to turn Netflix on, but because you applied steps 1-3 in this guide, something shifts inside of you.
Instead of Netflixing, you do something different.
You might feel called (a Universe whisper) to text a friend, go to an event, or just do something different that aligns with the emotionally and mentally healthiest version of you.
And the dominos fall differently for your life.
You “jump timelines” as they say in the conscious community..
I’ll never forget when I committed to going No Contact with my ex, I felt like a whole new world opened up for me.
I met new friends, got invites to new things I hadn’t before, and I was beaming because I made a conscious choice and the Universe aligned opportunities for me that were incredibly expansive and led me to my husband.
But you need to take that first step in order to open that new door.
You need to trust it.
And watch how the Universe aligns you in this new direction.
Can you feel the energy in the air right now?
Congrats on making it this far <3 Drop a comment below to let me know how you’re feeling!!
🔥 If you’re looking to dive deeper or have questions, book a session with me or spill the tea in a voice note and let me help you answer any questions you might have.
Or check out The Aligned No Contact Method🔥
xo
Nancy
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A conscious breakup coach, certified breathwork teacher, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a session with me here.