You Could Get Back Together If You Both Know This (Breakup Coach Answers)

This one’s for the partner’s who spend a lot of energy wondering if their ex could change.

If you’ve ever said “I feel like it was the right decision to break up, we had key differences, but I can’t help but wonder if we’ll get back together?” then I want you to grab a coffee and let’s get into today’s topic.

As a conscious breakup coach, this is the question I get asked most often.

And I’m excited to share the answer with you today. I’m going to share the ONE single thing you need to know to determine if you’ll get back together stronger than ever.

So here it is: In my 10 years working with clients, partners can come back stronger than ever if they know this one thing: their attachment style and how it impacts the relationship.

That means, you know your attachment style, and how it plays into the relationship.

And they know their attachment style, and how it affects your relationship.

You both need to know.

Let’s break this down if you’re new to this or have heard of attachment styles here and there.

Your attachment style is the pre-determined way you respond in relationships, and it was formed during your earliest years with your caregivers, long before you ever fell in love with this person you were just with.

It’s the invisible blueprint your nervous system created to answer one core question: “Am I safe being loved?”

Over time, this blueprint became the foundation for how you seek closeness, handle conflict, and interpret emotional cues from others.

These patterns are often categorized into three primary styles:

• Anxious: feels safest through closeness and reassurance, clarity, consistency. Often fearing abandonment. They are often described as "needy” or “overanalyze” situations.

• Avoidant: feels safest through independence and space, often fearing being controlled or suffocated with love (even if their partner is not trying to do so at all)

• Secure: feels safe both giving and receiving love, trusting that connection can withstand distance and individual differences and are very flexible depending on who they’re dating to help meet their needs and reassure them.

Just by saying this, you probably have an idea of which you are, and which they are. The lightbulb moments are beginning. Yay!

I’m passionate about sharing on attachment styles because it provides a science-backed framework for how your partner (and you) will actually respond in regards to communication, conflict, emotional and physical intimacy, and breakups, which creates a solid baseline to work with when couples are working on growing their relationships (or knowing when to let go).

It’s the default setting. But the great news is that it’s not fixed; with a responsive partner, your attachment style can shift and your relationship can still thrive.

I’m an attachment success story; It’s the framework I used to feel confident saying goodbye to the wrong partners and meeting my husband almost instantly after learning this. I’m a tried-and-true anxiously-attached woman who started to thrive since learning this, so don’t think that the label is a limitation—you can thrive no matter what your attachment style, as long as you have the awareness and willingness to work with it.

But that’s the key here: awareness and willingness, and it’s a core theme I teach.

Most of my clients find themselves with partners who are avoidantly attached (anxiously attached partners love doing inner work so you might be if you’re really resonating with this here!).

Those with avoidant attachment struggle with open communication, confrontation, consistent emotional intimacy, and sometimes detached physical intimacy. They like independence, don’t consistently text and often leave their partners wondering where the relationship stands as their communication isn’t consistent and reassuring.

In my experience, if you don’t understand your own attachment style, or your ex doesn’t know or care to know theirs, there’s a constant roadblock to feeling fully loved and understood in relationships as someone with anxious attachment.

Here’s what I tell my clients day in and day out:

Even if you believe you’re good at “communicating” it’s not enough. I need to say this because this is for all of us who think as long as you communicate, your relationship will grow. No. That’s not the full picture.

Here’s a really common scenario I share with clients that can be illuminating once you see how them being an avoidant plays into conflict resolution:

You can say what you need in the relationship all day long (e.g. “please send a goodnight text every night as it helps me feel reassured”), but if your ex doesn’t know they’re an avoidant, it’ll appear that they are taking in the information and request, saying yes they’ll do that, but it’ll often go in one ear and out the other because they don’t realize that that can feel like they’re being controlled.

And then they just…won’t do it.

If they knew and cared that they were an avoidant, they’d be self-aware to see that, and recognize it is not control, but a request their partner needs to feel safe and loved in the relationship.

But with avoidant attachment, the desire to do inner work is challenging because they don’t want to feel pressure, controlled or lose their independence.

Is this resonating? I sound like a broken record here describing someone with avoidant attachment.

The bottom line is that when you know your attachment style and its impact on you and your relationship, it goes from being a point of frustration in the relationship, to being the roadmap to coming back stronger.

But you both need to know yours and how they play together.

I hope this answered your big question for today. Drop a comment and let me know how this supported you :)

If you’re looking to dive deeper with me on this, book a session with me and let me help you answer any questions you might have.

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I have an entire playlist on my Youtube channel on attachment styles to binge.

Hi, I’m Nancy!

A conscious breakup coach, certified breathwork teacher, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a session with me here.