This is Why You Have So Much Anxiety During a Breakup (Spoiler: You’re Dysregulated)
Here’s what is happening in your body during a breakup.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could just end a relationship and immediately feel fine?
Like, “Okay, that’s over. I’ve processed it. Next chapter.”
Or at least be able to intellectualize everything.
Analyze what went wrong, make peace with it, and move on without your stomach dropping or your chest tightening every time you think of them.
But that’s not what happens, is it?
Instead, you wake up with that pit in your stomach. Your appetite disappears. Your body feels heavy. Your heart feels like it’s thudding in slow motion. You’re exhausted but can’t sleep.
It’s not just sadness — it’s your nervous system crying out for balance
Because here’s the truth: your brain doesn’t instantly register, “They’re gone now. We’re safe.”
Your body still expects the rhythm, the comfort, and the emotional closeness you had with them. It’s like an alarm system that’s been triggered but hasn’t yet gotten the memo that the fire is out so it keeps ringing.
So you keep longing—not necessarily for them, but for the feeling of safety they once represented.
Your nervous system doesn’t crave closure. It craves regulation.
That sense of exhale that used to come when you heard their voice or felt their touch.
And when that disappears, your body scrambles to re-establish it. It releases stress hormones, your sleep gets thrown off, and your mind starts looping through what-ifs and should-haves—all in an attempt to make sense of the loss.
It’s not that you’re obsessed, weak, or “can’t let go.”
It’s that your body hasn’t yet learned that safety can exist without them.
This is why breakups are so much more than an intellectual process—they’re emotional and very physical.
Your heartbeat changes.
Your digestion slows down.
Your breath gets shallow.
Your body feels like you’ve had 7 coffees today.
Your entire system is looking for regulation — for a signal that says, “You’re safe again.”
And that’s what healing really is: not erasing the memories or pretending you don’t care, but slowly teaching your body that you are the source of safety now.
That you can feel peace and calm without them while healing during a breakup.
The moment you stop trying to “get over them” and start tending to your nervous system— through breathwork, grounding, rest, and compassion—everything begins to shift and the breakup won’t feel so heavy.
You realize you were never crazy for missing them. You were just dysregulated.
And that’s something you can gently, steadily rewire.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn — All Trying to Help
When we’re dysregulated, the survival system gets activated. Here’s how it shows up:
Fight — You replay conversations, argue with yourself (“Why did they do that?”), or become defensive with friends.
Flight — You overwork, distract, chase new connections, or busily try to outrun the pain.
Freeze — You go numb, space out, feel heavy and stuck.
Fawn — You people-please, give explanations, check their social media, try to keep the peace even when it hurts.
Every one of those responses is your system saying: “I want to feel safe again.”
Why Your Heart Clings Longer Than Your Mind
Here’s the thing: logic lives in the thinking brain. Healing lives in the body.
When you were together with your ex, your brain released oxytocin, endorphins, and all those “togetherness” chemicals. Your nervous system learned that being with them = safety.
After the split, your body goes cold turkey. Cortisol spikes. Sleep fragments. Thoughts loop. Your system is withdrawing from something it once depended on.
So when you feel heavy, anxious, or suddenly overwhelmed—that’s not weakness. That’s a body trying to find its footing again.
Why “Time Heals” Isn’t Enough
Many people tell you “time heals all wounds.” But here’s what no one tells you: time without regulation just prolongs the pain of the breakup.
You can sit with the pain for months or years and still feel triggered by their name, a song, or a memory, because the old patterns remain stored in your body.
Real healing isn’t just passing through time. Real healing is retraining your system to feel safe again inside your own skin.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s subtle. It’s incremental.
Some days you’ll feel a shift; other days you’ll feel like you’re back at square one.
But every time you choose to breath breathe through your reactions and feelings, every time you pause instead of picking up that phone to check their IG story, every time you show up for yourself—you’re rewiring your system toward your new norm: yes, I am safe in my own skin.
Want to Go Deeper
If you’ve been trying to “move on” but your body still aches, it’s a sign your nervous system needs hands-on care.
That’s exactly why I created Breathe Through Your Breakup, a 21-day guided meditation journey that meets your body where it is, and helps it learn to feel calm and okay without your ex. And even more, help you feel good in your skin again.
Start with Day 1 for free and feel the difference, one breath at a time.
-
I created a 21-day heartbreak meditation journey to help you finally calm your mind and reconnect with your body after a breakup. Each day blends gentle breathwork, mindfulness, and emotional healing so you can stop spiraling and start feeling safe again. It’s the peaceful reset your heart has been craving. See the full details here.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A conscious breakup coach, certified breathwork teacher, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Grab my Heartbreak Haven bundle to start healing your nervous system today.