Our Triggers Are Our Pathway to Healing (How to Start the Process of Healing)

Today I’m sharing the most transformation work you’ll ever do in your life and it applies to all your relationships.

Today, we’re talking about the power of your triggers and how that is actually the pathway, or roadmap, to the very healing you need.

It’s inspired and informed by the work of Diederik Wolsak, founder of the Choose Again centers and translated into my own experience as someone who is proud to be on the journey of inner healing since 2017.

If this blog happens to make you feel some kind of way—that’s a good thing! Keep reading, staying open and you might just surprise yourself with what comes next.

So, what is a trigger?

It’s when you start to get a “negative” feeling—upset, anger, sadness, fear, etc.

If you got triggered by something someone said, you might want to protect yourself by not talking to them anymore, or giving them a label that protects you from going deeper into the trigger.

But once you allow yourself to use your triggers as a form of exploration, you’ll find this is a much more profound opportunity for healing.

The reality is that we attract people, circumstances and conversations into our lives which trigger us so that we can heal the beliefs that are hurting us and keeping us stuck in lowkey or overt misery.

Yes.

And we will keep attracting people, circumstances and conversations that trigger us until we actually heal the root of what’s going on.

Which are releasing our attachment to our core beliefs that are guiding our emotions in any given situation.

What are core beliefs?

We have core beliefs that live inside of us, often hidden from our own psyche as a way our egos protect us from the very painful experience we had as a child.

We protect ourselves by externalizing the issue (labeling people) instead of going within and asking ourselves why we are triggered in the first place.

We do this with our exes, current partners, family, coworkers, etc.

I promise you, if you can even begin to entertain this idea, you won’t regret it.

When we get triggered, a belief about ourselves is being triggered.

For example, think of the last time someone triggered you, what happened?

How did they make you feel?

(Don’t move on until you actually think of a recent example so it’ll help you follow along.)

Maybe felt upset and unheard because they took over the conversation, angry that they dismissed you, or something to that effect.

What you feel relates to the core belief.

But instead, we’ll externalize and say “this person makes me feel X way” and then we stop the deeper work requires to heal from that situation.

Instead of investigating the core belief that has popped up in that triggered state, you instead labeled the person. “You’re rude,” or any other label that fits the situation.

Here’s the thing though, we all core beliefs, and we all have the same ones for the most part:

I am not cared for.

I am not important.

I am unlovable.

I am not smart.

I am not supported.

I don’t matter.

I am invisible.

I’m sure a few of these instantly stand out for you. They will be repeat patterns in your life.

Think about the last few conversations that triggered you—what did you make the feeling you felt mean?

The meaning is the core belief about yourself.

Here’s an example:

“My coworker was bulldozing all my ideas. I felt like my ideas didn’t matter.”

“My spouse never asks me how my day was.”

Maybe that means you felt unsupported, not important or that you don’t matter.

It’s individual for you.

You need to allow yourself to feel what comes up for you in that moment.

These core beliefs come from childhood wounding. Interpretations of events in your childhood that you assigned a meaning to.

I know, it is that deep.

So I know you’re walking around, thinking you’re angry at someone, but really—they’re just triggering a childhood wound.

If you thought this was going to be a blog about labeling your ex and moving on from that—nope! This is about healing and the power of inner work and it’s my favorite thing on the planet to speak on!

But until you allow yourself the space, courage and love to feel and witness that core belief, you will keep attracting situations that ask you to heal it.

This is a process of deep self-compassion. It’s not easy work but it’s worthwhile and you will feel so much more peace within yourself instead of waiting to find the perfect relationship, workplace or family members.

Because if we don’t heal our wounds and core beliefs, they will guide the show every day of our lives.

We will struggle in our relationships, friendships, family relationships, and parenting.

We will rob ourselves of the love available. We will be ridden with shame and guilt.

We will want connection, but feel incapable of it. We will leave situations feeling worse.

Does this resonate?

The reality is that our egos have made up these false identities about who we are based on the interpretations we experienced as children.

And it’s our responsibility to heal that in the present and see that we are actually whole, complete and totally lovable as we are.

Healing our triggers isn’t about fixing ourselves; that would imply we are broken.

No, we have never been broken, but that is what the ego likes to tell us to keep us stuck and powerless. That’s why people jump from one modality of healing to another, with little success. Because they keep trying to fix themselves when that has never been the issue.

I love to share this example as I sit here watching my beautiful 7-month old daughter play as I write this: since you were a baby, you were nothing short of perfection. Pure innocent and love.

And then, soon enough, your ego came into play and it started creating your identify that you carry with you today.

So much of how you move through the world is informed by interpretations of your circumstances when you were young. Along the way, you learned that you were “bad,” “unworthy” and “unlovable” from interactions with your caregivers.

So we hope that by finding the right level of success, the right relationship and competency, that we won’t feel our wounds.

But actually, we will. We might feel them more than ever.

We’ll feel them until we proactively work to change the way we talk to ourselves and release our attachment to our beliefs.

So many people I work with are open to this, but they are not fully bought-in which is totally okay because all you need is a crack of openness!

You might think you are genuinely confident, don’t have wounds, and your pain is coming from an external source—your boss, coworker, partner or father. (I know, at this point I sound like a broken record.)

But these are all invitations to help you heal so you can feel peace when you’re near them next.

Take the top 2 or 3 people who trigger you the most and ask yourself:

• How do they make you feel?

• When you feel that feeling, what are you believing about yourself?

The answer is critical to your healing. You may believe that you feel unseen, unsafe, or unloved.

But when you realize that you are that perfect, innocent and pure baby who was born with the entire Universe on your side, you will see that all you’re feeling is a belief, not a Truth.

the Truth is that you matter, are loved, are worthy, perfect and complete because you were born. When you don’t feel that, your wounds are running the show.

It’s your job, the person who is choosing to be brave a heal, to see your core beliefs, identify them, and know they are not the Truth of who you are.

Because who you are is a magnificent, powerful being who is on this earth because you are meant to be here, taking up space that you don’t believe you deserve.

Our work is to remind ourselves that we are whole and complete, not broken at all. It’s just our hidden core beliefs making us feel those feelings. But that is not our True Identify.

We beliefs we are broken because of the core beliefs we made up.

And you might say to me: No, Nancy, my dad actually hated me, and he told me all the time!”

Well, for that I extend my empathy to you for not having a father who told you the Truth of who you are.

But what that tells me is that he says that to you because of his own wounding and beliefs.

Parents who say that are looking to reinforce their own beliefs, too. They have not uncovered that they are worthy, and lovable, and they now show up in the world through the lens of their wounds which make them feel shame and guilt.

That is their work to do. Your work is to determine the beliefs that keep you stuck and feeling disconnected from your true essence as a magnificent, pure being on this earth.

The more we work on our triggers which can be in the form of judgments towards others and judgments towards ourselves, we will discover the power of our triggers and our capacity to heal.

I hope you enjoyed this blog and found it illuminating <3 feel free to comment below!

If you’d like work together, book a session with me here.

Hi, I’m Nancy!

A conscious breakup coach, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a session or voice note me here.