Read This If You Can't Stop Judging Your Ex
No one really talks about judgment, specifically—how to heal it.
All we were told is “don’t do it” and that’s why when we find ourselves judging people and our exes—we don’t know how to free ourselves from it.
We think if we keep judging them then we’ll finally get it all “out of our system,” or, “think clearly again.”
But that’s far from the truth.
This is why I’ve created this post today.
I’m Nancy Ruth Deen, a conscious breakup coach, and I know first hand that there is nothing more uncomfortable than carrying around an emotional and mental weight that brings you down wherever you go.
You might feel vindicated, validated, or justified when judging, but even with those brief (and I mean BRIEF) moments of relief happen, you’re back to feeling like crap, and ruminating on whatever your ex said, did, or didn’t do.
And the cycle continues. Over. And over.
In this article I’m addressing a lot on the subject in hopes that you can begin to forgive your ex and move forward with your life. This post was inspired by reading spiritual teacher Gabby Bernstein’s books The Universe Has Your Back and Judgment Detox. She gives such a raw, honest, and practical way of releasing the things that hold us back and how to invite more happiness and love into our lives.
The best part of releasing judgment from your ex is that when you get clear on what’s happening inside of you in those moments, you’ll start to see how you can forgive other people in your life who have hurt—or continue to hurt—you.
Let’s jump right in.
Step 1: Get clear on when and how you’re judging your ex
One of the things I noticed about myself when I would judge others or my ex is how much of what I thought was “true” and a real depiction of the person I was talking about. I didn’t initially see it as “judgment” at all but I could tell by how shitty I felt that doing this didn’t feel good. I struggled to get my story straight about my ex and felt really confused about this.
But then I realized that my job isn’t to put my ex or anyone into a category of “good” versus “bad” in order to release my judgment about them. (This is purely conditioning when we learned to be “good” and not “bad” little boys or girls.)
I could release my judgment of them for me, but first I needed to take stock of what I was judging them about. This requires me to look inside of myself and acknowledge I am in fact making judgments.
What Gabby talks about is that being open to seeing that you are in fact judging your ex and wanting to see it is a huge step to healing. I can see how meaningful this is as I continue my conscious journey through life.
Sometimes just writing how you’re judging your ex can be really cathartic, but it also helps you see what’s blocking you from experiencing peace during your breakup.
Because peace is your natural state of being, and judgment is blocking you from accessing that.
So, Step 1 is to get conscious of the fact that you’re judging, and not actually seeing the situation as “true.” I know, your mind is fighting me on this, but let’s keep going and the pieces will fall into place. It’s tough to loosen the grip, but you’re doing great right now.
Step 2: Understand that judging is a call for love whenever we do it
If you want to stop judging your ex so you can find peace and healing, then you need to understand WHY you’re judging your ex. Yes, you’re trying to make sense of your breakup and what happened. But ultimately, when we judge, it’s because we feel emotionally unsafe and are trying to protect ourselves from feeling unloved.
It’s a cry for love.
Just take that in for a second.
Because guess what? If our ex is an asshole, narcissist, or an overall crappy person, then we don’t need to make it about us.
Do you see how this works now?
What if instead of trying to protect yourself using a negative label for your ex, you could understand that you’re just feeling really hurt.
Because if we don’t understand that that’s what’s happening, then we’ll judge, and then be flooded with immense guilt.
That’s what judging others does—it floods us with guilt. It’s a lose-lose situation.
You feel good momentarily, then judge yourself for judging your ex. So, when you judge others, you then judge yourself, and the cycle doesn’t stop.
Gabby recommends that you need to forgive yourself for having the judgmental thought.
Again, you’re willing to look at yourself in the situation which is brave and commendable. You get to release the thought now.
Step 3: Understand your view of the situation is actually a past experience projecting itself
This step is a tough one to grasp when you’re in the heat of the moment. It took me a while to realize that whenever I am mid-judgment, that I’m just replaying an old situation where I felt less than, not good enough, or unloved.
It’s not me actually accurately portraying my ex. If you feel resistance to this, then please keep reading and allow this to sink in.
Having followed spiritual teachers for years, they continued to remind me that whenever something from my past hasn’t yet healed, it shows up to remind me to heal the situation in order to move forward. I started to see each of these situations as lessons and not things to bring me down or ruin my day.
For example, years ago before I found my passion as a coach, I used to feel so beat up every time my ex would bring up my going back to school, or getting paid more, or changing careers for a “better” one. Whenever he’d bring this up, I felt like he was blatantly calling me out for not being good enough in his eyes.
So much of my stress in that relationship came down to that. It felt like he was relentlessly showing me how much better he was.
After learning this spiritual principle and studying psychology, and knowing our judgments are us projecting our past into the current situation, it reminded me of how my father would make me feel as a child.
Our view of the situation is typically an early childhood experience or consistency that has you projecting it onto the current situation. In my case—my father’s words I hadn’t healed from.
So, what do we do when we can start to see this insight?
When we start to see the connecting dots, we naturally loosen our grip on our view of the person or situation. And if that doesn’t work, remember that you want to heal the situation and are exhausted of judging. Gabby recommends using a mantra, and I created this one to help bring you back to seeing what the situation really is in this moment.
You can use this mantra, “I choose to see this [situation/person] for what it is.”
When you declare your openness, the insights will come.
You’ll see things you haven’t seen before.
You’ll see yourself in this person.
You’ll see they’re doing their best, and that they’re just acting out of fear.
You’ll see they are reliving unresolved trauma.
When you see this, you’ll start to really let go and find compassion for this person and yourself.
You’ll let go of the grip of judging them, and you’ll feel love.
This ability to see this situation for what it is not only healed my feelings about my ex, but it helped me heal my relationship with my father. I began to see that my father’s words in my childhood were an expression of his feeling inadequate. And I began to see my ex as someone who never had permission to enjoy the present moment because he always needed to be striving for the next big thing based on his parent’s conditioning.
I learned these words that once brought me so much pain had nothing to do with me; but how I saw the situation with my judgment was something I could control to bring me back to peace, and give more compassion to my ex and my father in the process.
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If you don’t feel this right away, that’s okay. Taking this step to start to see it is a hugely impactful place to be and I am so grateful you are willing to heal your judgment and invite more peace and love into your life. Gives yourself time to process it all and you will see the incredible shifts this makes in your life and breakup recovery.
If you would like to book a private session with me and really let go of your ex, please reach out to me here.
Hey there, I’m Nancy! I’m a Conscious Breakup Coach dedicated to giving you conscious breakup advice during, well—one of the hardest times of your life. Let me know if this blog resonated for you by leaving a comment!
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