Why Breakups Are so Hard to Get Over (According to a Breakup Coach)
Okay, so getting over your relationship is taking way longer than you thought.
I’m with you. Before I met my hubby, I was literally pining over my ex for longer than we were even together.
That’s not the kind of girl math I like.
But I realized a few things, not just as a conscious breakup coach, but a woman who had this ongoing experience of getting her heart broken in relationships when it seemed my ex wasn’t all that heartbroken.
So today, I’m sharing the main reasons most of my clients struggle to get over a relationship and why it takes longer than anticipated, or why it hurts more, for longer, than you anticipated.
They didn’t get closure (spoiler: it’s rare to get it)
If I had things my way, everyone would be able and willing to have closure conversations.
You know, the ones where you sit down, express yourself, and let the other person express and share how they feel and what they need.
But, I live in reality, so in the meantime, I’ll just share what I know about closure: you have to make it yourself.
And often, when we are googling why breakups are so hard, it’s likely because we dated someone who wouldn’t give us closure or be willing to sit with the discomfort of having a conversation where they might need to take responsibility for their actions.
Instead, you need to make it yourself. This is something I talk a lot about in my Aligned No Contact Method.
You can’t just expect to be given closure—you have to make it. It starts with a decision on your part.
You’re keeping the door open (in fear)
In my experience, there’s two types of people:
Those who need to make a decision to feel clear
Those who struggle to pick a lane, and instead prefer to live life in the grey zone of possibility
The latter group will often keep the door open as a way to feel comfort in the breakup.
So, they go back-and-forth between whether or not their ex was a good person or not. Or if they were a good match.
But it gets confusing, especially in the beginning of a breakup, because you don’t know what you’re supposed to feel.
Resentment? Anger? Deep sadness? Relief?
Living in limbo and keeping the door open is a fear response in my experience.
You’re worried about the loneliness or that you made a mistake.
The counterbalance to that is giving yourself permission to feel how you actually feel, outside of where you stand with your ex.
Ask yourself if that’s what you really want, or if that’s coming from a place of fear. The answer may surprise you.
The clarity will come the more you exercise this.
In my breakup clarity sessions, most of my clients struggle to know what next step to take. They don’t know if they should hold onto hope, or leave the door open, or just stop talking to their ex altogether.
It’s tough to know the answer—especially when your heart is pulling you one way and your mind another. With a Clarity Session, you can finally know what’s right for you and walk away with a next step you feel confident about.
Your friends don’t get the level of pain you’re in
Listen, your friends and family LOVE YOU and they want to see you rise up from this breakup.
But…they don’t get that it took every ounce of strength not to cry when you saw that cute couple at the coffee shop, or when you were crying in your car before work.
Most of the time, what happens is this: maybe they’re open and attentive the first one or two conversations, but then they start keeping score and expect the advice they give you to be what you carry out.
And then you feel guilty, embarrassment and shame around that.
Because you still want to talk about your relationship, and not just put a period and move on.
So your support system ends up kind of fizzling out, and your therapy becomes TikTok reels which only depletes your dopamine and then you don’t feel supported at all.
I created the Heartbreak Haven Bundle for this reason: for when you don’t necessarily feel comfortable continuing to share with friends/family but want support that meets you where you are—hurting, pain, and that it’s taking longer than you expected. You get 14 days of curated email support from me with the exact messages to support you through the unbearable days, along with a 21-day meditation to help you feel during your breakup. Feel free to check it out here.
Try to remind yourself that just because your friends have advice for you, doesn’t mean you can’t still hurt. You’re grieving the loss of a very meaningful relationship to you, and that’s not an overnight process.
You have (my) full permission to feel everything you need to feel.
Breakups aren’t black and white, and you have to go at your own pace.
Remember that!
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If you feel you’d benefit from speaking 1-on-1 with a conscious breakup coach who completely gets what you’re going through, let’s chat this week!
Hi, I’m Nancy!
A conscious breakup coach, wife, mom and I have helped a lot of people heal after their relationships end. Book a breakup clarity session to help you know what next step to take in your breakup