How can I learn to love myself during a breakup (according to a breakup coach)
Alright, so everyone and their mother is telling you that the way through a breakup is self-love.
And as a conscious breakup coach, I completely agree.
But just like you (when I was going through my breakup), I only ever understood that intellectually.
I mean, I hated admitting that I wasn’t loving myself, because who really wants to admit that?
So today I’m going to share what self-love actually is (well, what it means to me as someone who constantly got told to love herself and was always just intellectualizing everything instead of being grounded), and how you can start experiencing it, not just using it as a new-age buzzword.
PLEASE NOTE: PRESALE pricing for my 21-day breakup meditation healing journey ends THIS Sunday, February 28 @ 11:59pm. FULL DETAILS HERE.
Q
What is self-love?
A
The definition I’ve uncovered over the last 6 years on my own journey to self-love is that self-love is choosing in every moment, decision and experience to see myself in the light, and to release the societal programming that has me believing anything but seeing myself in the light.
Q
Okay, so how do I see myself in the light? When am I not seeing myself in the light?
A
To see ourselves in the light requires us to become aware that at all times, we are seeing things depending on the filter we have on. When we have a bad day (filter), we can see each event of that day as “bad,” and when were having a great day (filter), we see things with joy, ease, excitement etc.
When were feeling good about ourselves, we see people in horrible moods and want to give them compassion. When we are bad moods, we see the same act as being something threatening or worrisome.
So in this way, when we are judging ourselves, like if you texted your ex or decided to get back with them even though you feel it’s not the right decision but you are having a moment, then you might get really down on yourself, punish yourself in some way, or beat yourself up.
So in this example, seeing yourself in the light would mean you’d invite some compassion in your situation, the way a loving friend or mother would talk to you. This means actively choosing (even if it’s not “natural” feeling in the beginning) to see that you’re being hard on yourself (as opposed to seeing what you think about yourself as a “truth”) and infusing the situation with self-compassion.
Q
What are examples of things I’m probably saying that I could reframe to see myself in the light?
A
Instead of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Use: “I’m hurting and I’ve never done this before. This is new territory for me and it’s okay that I’m learning as I go”
Instead of “I have NO self-control!”
Use: “I’m learning to respond instead of react, and working through it”
Instead of “why am I not over them yet?”
Use “I’m healing on my own timeline. There’s no need to rush.”
When you observe how you talk to yourself, and you see that you’re not seeing yourself in the light, that’s when you can actively change the conversation in your mind.
Meditating is a really powerful way to channel your self-compassion and build that self-awareness to catch yourself caught up in self-blaming thoughts or being really hard on yourself. This is why I created the 21-day meditation journey to help you learn to respond in healthier ways, take care of yourself, and channel that self-love that EVERYONE is talking about (yet few of us actually know about).
Thank you for reaching!
Nancy, conscious breakup coach. Book a session here.