7 Signs He's Thinking of Ending Things with You (And What to do About it)
If you feel like you’re getting mixed signals from the person you love, you’ll want to read this.
Firstly, it’s such an unsettling feeling when you are madly in love with someone, and you’re not sure if your feelings are mutual anymore.
When you first started dating, whether that was 4 weeks—or 4-years— ago, that internal turmoil you’re feeling pretty much feels the exact same.
It sucks, and I know the feeling all too well. Before I met my current beau, I swear I experienced these anxious feelings in almost every single relationship (and situationship).
As a conscious breakup coach, I work 1:1 with clients to help them through both the pre and post-breakup experiences. I wanted to use this article to shed some light on what you’re feeling, and how to help yourself through it.
So, let’s talk about the 7 main signs you might be seeing in your relationship. Please take whatever resonates, and leave the rest.
He’s stopped instigating in several ways. Does it seem like you’re the one instigating the calls, texts, or weekend plans? Does he no longer send that “good morning” text to you? If you’re not the one making plans, then you two wouldn’t really be hanging?
His enthusiasm has dropped. Is he a pretty animated and enthusiastic guy, but suddenly he’s dropped his sense of personality when he’s around you? Do you find that he acts differently around his friends than you, whereas you used to be able to see the same person in every setting? When you hangout, does it feel like there’s a loss of energy in his presence?
He’s giving you feedback about your habits. Are you sensing that he’s kind of subtly criticizing you? Maybe he’s started to express that he’s noticing a lot of take-out boxes in your apartment, or is wondering why you wear your makeup that way. You recall a time where he used to compliment you, and now it seems that whenever he’s talking, it’s starting to hurt a little bit.
He’s too tired to come over. Are you patiently waiting for him to finish work to ask him to come over, only to be met with an “I’m-too-tired” text? Does it seem like he’s “too tired” to come over, but totally okay heading to his buddy’s place?
There’s no talk about your future together. Was there a time when he was making plans to go the distance, and now his energy has shifted? Are you started to feel like you really want a future, but you almost don’t want to ask because you feel that it won’t be mutual?
He’s not responsive in a variety of ways. Do you show your affection towards him, and he just kind of brushes it off? Does he text you hours after you’ve texted him? Is he starting to sound ambitious in your conversations together?
Your sex feels disconnected. You remember a time when you used to look each other in the eyes and feel a true connection, but now it seems like he’s physically there, but his mind is somewhere else? Has he stopped asking altogether?
Yes, he’s doing a lot of these. So what do I do about it?
If one or more of the above resonates with you, he might be thinking of ending things—but we can't stop here in our investigation.
He might be using distancing strategies, or he might just be in a period of his life where he’s a little more stressed, and that’s affecting him in bigger ways than you think. I encourage you to see what else might be contributing to this idea that he might want to end things.
Sometimes when our work is ultra-stressful, or we’ve started a transition in our lives, our close relationships tend to be the first to suffer.
Ask yourself these 4 questions before jumping to a conclusion
What other area(s) of his life have recently changed?
Has he been experiencing stress lately?
Has he made an effort to share what else has been going on with him? If so, what has he shared?
What’s going on for me as I watch this?
The good news
I remember a few years ago when I was in this really fairytale-like romance (you know, really fun day dates, being treated to fancy restaurants, etc), and I was devastated when I noticed he completely pulled away (even after we had many conversations about being together for a long time, and sharing really personal stories). I was really confused, and I just wanted him to tell me what the heck was going on. I ended up trying to pull him in closer given that I was panicking, and wanted to fix what was happening. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was being my best self, and I didn’t need to fix anything.
I didn’t do anything to pull us apart, and yet there I was trying to put us back together.
What I would tell my younger self—knowing what I know now—is that however he is behaving, that’s about him. If he wants to be distant, let him. If he doesn’t want to make plans anymore, let him. He’s working something out in his head and trying to make sense of things. He’s confused, too. I didn’t know at the time that he was confused, and I certainly didn’t know it wasn’t my job to bring him clarity.
Trying to control his state of mind isn’t going to help bring clarity. What will help is being open about what I’m feeling and experiencing, and being open to hearing what he has to say.
It’s a tough position to be in, but this intense and overwhelming energy will pass once you let go of trying to be the solution to this situation you’re in. He must come to his own decisions.
You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn that several of my clients report breaking up with their partners in fear that their feelings aren’t mutual. They love their partners, but they end up breaking up with them as a solution, if you will.
They actually don’t address how they’re feeling, and instead just end things to avoid having that conversation. I empathize as I’ve been there, and what I share with them is that it’s okay to feel incredible uncertain and vulnerable about what your partner might say. Just let them vocalize their side of things, and don’t force your emotions onto them. Letting your partner feel how they feel will always enhance your relationship, even if you two choose to go your separate ways. You’ve got to be true to yourself, and you’ve got to make space for them to share their thoughts.