Mindset Shifts to Help You Through Your Breakup

Mindset is everything when it comes to getting through your breakup.

If you want to work through your breakup in the most profound and insightful way, you’ll want to see things in a way that gives you clarity, and a deeper understanding of your purpose on this earth. If you see it in a more human and basic way, you’ll develop fears of dating again; and feel overcome by paralyzing loneliness and inadequacy.

As a breakup coach, I help my clients develop conscious ways to see their past relationships, and their greater contribution to my clients’ lives. It’s my experience that if we look at things from a surface level, we will run into the same challenges over and over again with new people. Seeing things from a higher perspective will give you great ease and comfort as you work through the confusing challenges that come with a breakup. This way, you can trust your intuition/inner voice, and know there’s a reason for everything.

Let’s talk about simple mindset shifts to help you through what you’re going through today.

  1. You don’t learn from your “mistakes,” you learn from your experiences

    There are no mistakes; that’s the beauty of life. Even if you said something honest, and the person you were dating was hurt by it—that still wasn’t a mistake on your part. The takeaway was witnessing the emotions of that person, and whatever other takeaway you got. The takeaway should never be that you made a mistake.

    Saying you made a mistake breaking up, is like telling yourself that your mind was wrong for feeling a certain way that led to your breakup. It dismisses all the experiences you had about feeling unsettled. This is the same frame of mind that has you believing you can fix everything with one conversation to get back together with your ex; only to have two great days together. And then reality seeps back in after the make-up sex. (You know exactly what I’m talking about here.)

    When you say to yourself, “I made a mistake dating that person; I won’t date someone like that again,” that tells your mind that you can’t trust your own judgment for picking people, and will need to avoid things similar in the future. That’s not the takeaway of a relationship. That will leave you feeling nervous to date again, or have you continuously looking into the past, and paralyzed by anxiety and fear.

    You will want to look at the experiences you had with your partner as experiences. You are currently learning from them. Mistakes are not actually mistakes—they’re experiences. Start using that word whenever you’re tempted to say “mistake.”

    There are NO mistakes. You wouldn’t say the “good” things that happen to you are mistakes, so why you call other experiences mistakes? You can’t have one with out the other. There are no mistakes—just experiences.

  2. You didn’t pick the wrong person—you picked exactly the right person for where you were at in life

    This might be a tough one to wrap your head around—especially if things were left in a contentious manner. After dating someone for years, saying that you picked the “wrong” person is a serious miss in the personal growth department. I say that with love. (Can you hear it?)

    If you want to come out a more fulfilled person after this breakup, you’ll want to see that you picked someone who taught you a lot about yourself—intentional or not. What we learn is not about how intentional the other person is; but how you receive it from them.

    You may be tempted to dwell on all the things you disliked about your ex, or how they never paid enough attention to you and your needs. But guess what? Now you have a better idea of what your needs actually are because of them. This might sound all too optimistic—I get it.

    In all your other relationships, what new things did you learn about yourself by going through challenging times with your ex? Even if things were left badly in the end, what things did your ex illuminate for you in the beginning and middle? Go on, write it down if you have to. See this on paper—it doesn’t lie!

    The thing is, you don’t EVER pick the wrong person—you pick exactly the right person for exactly where you are. Know that. Take it in. You picked the person who would teach you so much about yourself when you needed it most—and this is a huge gift. It might not feel like one right now—but let me tell you it absolutely is if you choose to accept you picked the right person for the time you two dated. Instead of resisting this person, look for what they’re teaching you about yourself.

    The key to working through a breakup is to see the good and the bad as opportunities for growth and development. We are not meant to be happy all the time; we are meant to pay attention to what these challenging times are telling us about what we are needing in our life and relationships. You never pick the wrong person.

  3. You didn’t “learn your lesson,” you learned life lessons that would teach you exactly what you need to know about yourself

    Our parents teach us that we will learn our lesson when we do something “wrong” as a child, and this totally follows us in our adult relationships in such an unconscious way.

    Instead of seeing that you needed to learn “your lesson” (cue your mother’s voice) when dating someone like your ex, see why your intuition guided you towards this person. What did it help you uncover about yourself? I’m sure many of your friends have said, “that’s what you get for dating someone better looking than you, or smarter than you!” And it feels like such a smack in the face. You don’t want to believe this is an act of karma, or punishment. Trust me, it’s not. Maybe it feels that way, but there’s a way to see it differently.

    By acknowledging that you don’t have to learn your lesson for dating a “particular type of person,” you get to see the wisdom in the experience. You did nothing wrong by dating that person. In fact, you were guided to that person because they would become your best teacher. Again, this is if you’re willing to accept this gift the Universe has given you. Are you willing?

    I know this can feel really new for some of you reading, and that’s totally okay. A mindset shift doesn’t work overnight, but knowing that there is so much wisdom in your experiences can help alleviate all that stress you’re carrying about yourself. It helps to take the weight off your shoulders just a little bit.

    You are whole and complete as you are, and the lessons you learn are meant to help you grow.

    If you’re looking to explore your conscious self after your breakup, reach out to me directly and book a 1:1 session completely online here.

Nancy Deen