Thank you SO much for downloading this FREE guide; just by doing this, it tells me that you are ready to heal, and will find something valuable in this guide.
I’ve created this guide with lots of TLC to help you work through your breakup. I have worked with so many men and women, and if there is one fundamental thing we all have in common, it is this: we are all human beings just trying to make sense of this emotional rollercoaster.
I know you’ve been working hard, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and it’s been tough. I bet just reading that in your head feels like an understatement.
You’ve been doing some positive things, like hanging out with friends a little more, doing some reading, researching online for tips on getting over your ex; but nothing seems to really be hitting home.
If there’s one person who gets what you’re going through—it’s me.
Although I’m a breakup coach now, my breakup in 2016 was a painful one; when we first got together, it was straight out of a rom-com. Fast-forward 2.5 years later, and I could not believe we had gotten to a place where we barely spoke to each other, and I was moving out of his apartment.
It took me a full year after the breakup to figure out what I was doing that was holding me back from healing. I thought I was doing all the “right” things, but didn’t stop to think about what was best for me. I often turned to others for their advice, and found myself feeling more confused as a result. I felt like I had something to prove, and that once others believed me that I would find peace.
Unfortunately, it did not work that way. So, I decided I work jump on the personal development train (whatever that means) and work through my own thoughts and feelings. I had some spiritual mentors along the way, but I just called them my friends at the time.
After doing “the work” people are always talking about (“you need to love yourself”you will hear them say), not only did I get through that breakup, but these things actuallyhappened:
I started to appreciate my ex for all that he did (and naturally stopped blaming him)
I became more in-tune emotionally (I let my emotions become insight into my mental state instead of thinking others were making me feel a certain way)
I developed a significantly healthier relationship with myself (and I didn’t even know I didn’t really have one before)
I started to enjoy my alone time (and ultimately stopped feeling lonely)
I found the love of my life after (but this isn’t all that relevant to you right now)
I had an evolving mental shift, and it is with these principles below that helped me become the grounded person that I am.
In this free guide, I wanted to share some of the insights that have helped me—along with my clients—to live a happier life post-breakup. I truly believe that you too can benefit from any one of these principles—it just takes a little faith in the process.
My hope is that these tips will help you reconnect with yourself, so that you don’t need to turn to your ex for answers.
Feel free to take what resonates, and leave the rest. Not everything will click right away, and that’s perfectly okay. We are all at different stages, and learning different things, but there’s something inside here for everyone.
Alright, we are getting started here. These are 5 things you need to know to get through your breakup.
Learn How to Feel Your Feelings
You’d be surprised to learn that many people I speak with don’t actually know how to feel their feelings. They know when they’re feeling sad or lonely, but they don’t know what to do with those feelings (aside from trying to avoid them).
Here’s what you do: you lean into the emotion, instead of trying to figure out how to make it go away. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t be feeling so sad,” say: it’s perfectly okay to feel this way, because it’s part of the healing process.
Yes, it’s that simple. You just need to give yourself permission to feel how you feel, and to welcome the emotion you’re experiencing. For me, I tend to lean into the experience by putting on a movie or song that helps amplify the emotion. It’s amazing how this works, and I’ve actually created a 9-hour playlist designed to get those tears flowing.
We don’t often realize that we are subtly pushing our emotions away by rationalizing what’s happening in us. It’s okay if you still love your ex, even if they hurt you. It’s okay to be angry at your ex, even if you know they’re a kind person. Don’t rationalize your feelings—just let them be. Let yourself feel the emotion, without trying to figure out if that’s how you “should” be feeling.
So, I want you to notice when you’re feeling an emotion, and say, “it’s okay I feel this way. This is all part of the healing process.”
Watch how your energy and thought process shift when you aren’t trying to make your feelings go away.
2. Know That Emotion is Just Energy—It’s Not “Good” or “Bad”
“Be more positive!” People will say. “Stop being so sad!” Others will say.
When it occurred to me that emotions are just energy, I looked at my emotional experience completely differently. I let myself feel what I felt, and watched it flow through me. I didn't have to do anything about it, per se, I could just watch it arise in me, and release. I could trust that it would in fact release.
We are taught to replace our bad feelings with good ones; but what if we just observed how we felt, without judgment? How would this change the way we saw ourselves?
From first-hand experience, it’s a drastic change. I stopped judging myself for feeling how I felt, and I didn’t judge my life based on a temporary feeling.
If I look at emotions as energy, then I know their impermanence (energy is always flowing). But, If I look at emotions like I am completely in control of them, then I fault myself for having them in the first place. This isn’t sustainable, nor is it true at all.
So next time you’re feeling an emotion that is catching your attention, notice it. Don’t do anything about it. Just notice.
3. Know Where You’re Storing Your Energy in Your Body
Our thoughts and emotions are both energy—and it’s being stored somewhere in the body needing to be released. Where is it for you?
Is it a tightness in your tummy or chest? Or are you tensing your shoulder and neck muscles? Are you clenching your jaw as you think these thoughts? Or are you squeezing your fist together? Where is that tension sitting in your body?
Get familiar with what your body is doing while you have this energy arise in you, and that will create a mind-body connection. For me, I definitely find myself holding my breath when I’m thinking disruptive thoughts, and that’s my cue to relax a little more into my seat. It is my cue to take a large cleansing breath in, and release that stored energy.
We often aren’t actually thinking about how our bodies become impacted by our thoughts, and begin to feel fear when our heart starts to race (or whatever other sensation you’re having). At that point we just try and make the emotion go away, without observing it fully. Again, we think it is bad that this sensation or thought has come over us, and we push it away. But it is just energy, and it is neither good nor bad.
By becoming familiar with where the energy is being stored in your body, it will help you breathe through the experience, and release the energy.
I’m sure you’re starting to see a theme here — it’s about releasing the energy that’s stuck inside and is getting our attention. it’s not good or bad, it’s just energy that’s trying to flow through us.
4. Learn to Actively Breathe
Typically, breathing is one of those activities we don’t need to consciously focus on; when we experience anxiety, suddenly it feels like something we need to concentrate on. Funny how that is?
I know for me, learning to breathe with intention during a stressful time has absolutely changed the way I experience my anxiety.
I used to feel an odd sensation in my body when my thoughts started to become loud, and I’d find myself in a rabbit-hole of thoughts about my ex, and then I realized that was a cue for me to begin deep breathing, and releasing the tension I was holding onto.
There are so many amazing YouTube videos of active breathing, but this one is my favourite. Breathing will help you not only release those tense feelings, but it will help you get back to the present moment. That is what our fear does—it takes us away from what we are actually doing in that moment.
Breathing is a lot cheaper than therapy, and it’s something you can practice on the bus, at a stop light, and in the comfort of your home. Try it a few times a day and observe how much quieter your mind is, and how much more relaxed your body feels. Take two minutes three times a day to try this, and watch as your thoughts begin to settle.
5. Give Yourself Compassion
Of all these tips above, giving ourselves compassion has to be one my clients’ biggest challenges. Why? Because we are so conditioned to be productive, useful, and generate results. It’s no surprise that the moment we become sick, or go through one of life’s biggest hurdles (like a breakup), that we start to beat ourselves up for not being our regular selves (whatever that means to you). It’s almost like we punish ourselves for getting sick or resting, as if it is our fault.
So how do we even begin to give ourselves compassion? Firstly, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, and being okay with not feeling our “best” today. It’s simple, but often hard to sit with.
We want others to see us as competent and put-together, but part of the human experience is allowing ourselves to go through tough times, and being okay with these often-overwhelming feelings.
Many of us are conditioned to “work for” our special treatment, but that’s not what was in mind when we were born onto this planet. Yes, treating ourselves for a job well-done is important, but so is daily love towards ourselves.
So, every day, I want you to be intentional with how you treat yourself—especially as you work through your breakup. What will you do today to show yourself some love? Is it making a healthy smoothie to start your day with nutritious energy? Or is it treating yourself to some mid-day ice cream? Or, is it treating yourself to a full day of Netflix watching? Whatever it is, let yourself enjoy it, without the feelings of guilt or anything that you “should” be doing something else.
You’d be surprised to learn that listening to what you want in that moment will actually enhance your productivity later.
Thank you so much for making time to read through this guide; I hope a few of these ideas resonate with you, and that you will start putting yourself first during this difficult time.
If you’re looking to work with a coach and master your personal development during your breakup, please feel free to check out any of my 3 online programs here.
Breakup Coach Nancy